"Watching the depressing scenes in Germany, I am sure I am not alone in asking why the government didn't do something to stop these people travelling abroad and shaming our country.  I mean, they have been caught on camera often enough, and we even know their names: Lampard, Gerard, Rooney, Cole ..."

The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in.  Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the distance a voice shouts out "England are good enough to win Euro 2008. Snow White says "Well at least Dopey's alive!".

A man desperate at England's current situation decides to top himself.  In his living room, alone, he prepares to hang himself. At the very last moment, he decides upon wearing his full England kit as his last statement.  A neighbour, catching sight of the impending incident, informs the police.  On arrival, the police quickly remove the Jersey and dress the man in stockings and suspenders. The man, totally confused, asks why. The policeman simply replies, "It's to avoid embarrassing your family."

Rumour has it that England have got a new sponsor: Tampax.  The FA thought it was an appropriate change as the team is going through a very bad period.

Q. What is the main function of the England coach?
A. To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.

Q. What's the England version of a hat-trick?
A. Conceding three goals in fifteen minutes

Q. What's the most proficient form of footwork displayed by the England midfielders?
A. The walk back to the dressing room.

Q. What do Peter Crouch and drug addicts have in common??
A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.

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