Arsenal, Liverpool and Chinese Baby Mix-Up:  An Arsenal fan, a Liverpool fan and a Chinese man are in the hospital maternity ward. The doctor goes out to the fathers and he tells them that there has been a mix up with the babies.   He says, "each of you go in and choose a baby that you think is yours, then come out and then we will review the situation."  The Arsenal fan goes in first and comes out with a baby. The doctor immediately spots a fault.   He approaches the Arsenal fan and says, "come on lad, you know thats the chinese baby" to which the Gooner replies "I know, but there is a Scouse baby in there and I ain't taking no chances!"

Celtic and Rangers rivalry:  The rivalry between Celtic and Rangers in Scotland is well known. A Celtic fan looking for trouble went up to a perfect stranger in a pub in Sauchiehall Street and shouted in his ear: 'To hell with the Rangers!'  The stranger looked puzzled. 'I don't know what you're talking about, bud,' he said. 'I'm an American from Houston, Texas.'  The Celtic fan looked nonplussed for a moment but then, with a flash of inspiration, he yelled, 'To hell with the Texas Rangers, then!'

Over the wall:  Our club manager won't stand for any nonsense. Last Saturday he caught a couple of fans climbing over the stadium wall.  He was furious.  He grabbed them by the collars and said,  "Now you just get back in there and watch the game till it finishes."

Toilets are miles away:  Two men were at a football match and it was just seconds away from kick-off.  "Man," said the first man, "I'm bursting for a pee, and the toilets are miles away".  "Don't worry," said the second man. "You see that bloke in front of you? Just pee up his leg."  "Are you crazy?" said the first man, "that bloke's massive."  "Oh," said the second man, "he won't notice anything."  "How do you know?" said the first man.  "Because I've just peed up yours!" said the second man.

Home at half time:  A man went off to a football match one Saturday afternoon, and while he was away his wife was 'visited by a 'friend' who just happened to be jogging past her house and was dressed in shorts and singlet.  The wife was happily entertaining him on the sofa when suddenly they heard her husband coming through the front door.  Quick as a flash, the visitor hid behind the large television set in the corner.  The husband came in and said, 'It's started to pour with rain so I thought I'd come home and watch the second half on telly.'  He switched on the television and settled down to watch the game. After about twenty minutes the wife's visitor started to get severe cramp so, casting caution to the winds, he calmly got up from behind the set and walked out of the room.  The husband turned to his wife and said, 'That's funny - I didn't see the ref send him off.'

Best team in the country:  We've got the best football team in the country, unbeaten and no goals scored against us!'  'How many games have you played?'  'The first one's next Saturday.'

Where did they go?:  In a crucial Cup semi-final a few years ago, the capacity crowd of 30,000 watched a rather diminutive striker get possession of the ball early in the second half.   He was immediately tackled by three large defenders, and went down under a pile of thrashing arms and legs.  Emerging dazed from the melee a few moments later, he looked round at the crowded stands and gasped,  'How did they all get back in their seats so quickly?'

Where is the ticket?:  Two old men were holding up the queue outside the turnstyle before the game, while one of them hunted for his ticket. He looked in his coat pockets and his waistcoat pockets and his trouser pockets, all to no avail. 'Hang on a minute,' said the gateman. 'What's that in your mouth?' It was the missing ticket!   As they moved inside his mate said, 'Crikey, Cyril! You must be getting senile in your old age.  Fancy having your ticket in your mouth and forgetting about it!'  'I'm not' that stupid,' said old Cyril. 'I was chewing last week's date off it.'

Don't worry about the bottles:  At a local derby between Arsenal and Spurs last season, a spectator. suddenly found himself in the thick of dozens of flying bottles.  'There's nothing to worry about, lad,' said the elderly chap standing next to him. 'It's like the bombs during the war. You won't get hit unless the bottle's got your name on it.'  'That's just what I'm worried about,' said the fan. 'My name's Johnny Walker'

Blame the parents:  Three fans were bemoaning the fact that their team kept losing and was facing relegation.  "I blame the manager" said the first, "if he would sign new players then we could be a great side"  "I blame the players" said the second, "if they made more effort I am sure we would score more goals"  "I blame my parents", added the third, "if I'd been born in another town I'd be supporting a decent team!

Rain and fog:  Two mad fans were sitting frozen and feeling awful on the terrace were complaining that the torrential rain and severe fog was making the game very boring to watch.  They decided that they might as well go and grab a bite of something warm to eat.  Just as they rose from their seats a policeman interrupted them.  "You two should go home now" he said "the game was abandoned about 30 minutes ago!"

You know football is taking over your life when:  You record live game for post match analysis.  You refer to the sofa as a "dugout".  You can recall the names of all of the players who have played in winning World Cup teams, but can't remember your best friend’s name.

Replay required:  The boss called the office-boy into his private sanctum.  `How did your great-aunt's funeral go yesterday afternoon?' he asked.  'It went off all right, sir,' said the office-boy, puzzled.  'Good, good,' said the boss. 'Pity they've got to do it all over again.'  'Pardon, sir?' said the-office-boy.  'Yes. I understand there's a replay on Saturday.'

Marriage for a ticket:  'A week before the Cup Final at Wembley a few years ago there was an advertisement in ‘The Times’ newspaper which read:  'Man offers marriage to woman supplying Cup Final ticket for next Saturday. Replies must enclose photograph of ticket.'

Saving on the train fare:  Did you hear what happened to the old West Ham fan last Saturday? He walked all the way to Cardiff for the Cup Final to save on the train fare and then had to pay £20 to get in because he was too tired to climb over the wall!

Wish I had bought the piano:  First fan: "I wish I'd brought the piano to the stadium."  Second fan: "Why would you bring a piano to the football game?"  First fan: "Because I left the tickets on it."

Throwing stones:  A football hooligan appeared in court charged with disorderly conduct and assault. The arresting officer, giving evidence, stated that the accused had thrown something into the canal. `What exactly was it that he threw into the canal' asked the magistrate.  'Stones, sir.'  'Well, that's hardly an offence is it?'  'It was in this case, sir,' said the police officer. 'Stones was the referee.'

What's the score:  A rather dim fan arrives at a football match midway through the second half.
"What's the score?" he asks his friend as he settles into his seat.  "Nil-nil," comes the reply.  "And what was the score at half-time?" he asks.

No match today?:  A supporter arrived at the ground one Saturday to find the place completely empty. He went to the office and asked an official,   'What time does the match start?'  'There's no match today,' replied the official.  'But there must be!' argued the fan. 'It's Saturday.'  'I'm telling you there's no match today,' repeated the official.  'But there's always a match on Saturday afternoon,' said the fan, 'even if it's only a reserves game.'  'Watch my lips,' shouted the irate official. 'There is no M-A-T-F-C-H today!'  'Well, for your information,' the would-be spectator shouted back, 'there's no F in match.',  'That's what I've been trying to tell you!' yelled the official.

The United and City Car Crash:  A Man City and Man United fan collide in a huge accident on the motorway. Both cars are a wreck, but both men are unhurt.  “This must be a sign from God that we are meant to be friends” says the City fan “I agree” replies the United fan.  The City fan then returns to the wreckage of his car, and finds a bottle of whiskey he had been saving.  “Look” he says to the united fan, “this must be another sign from God, we should drink this whiskey to celebrate our friendship and survival”  He hands the bottle over to the United fan who takes a large gulp from the bottle before passing it back to the City fan, who then puts the top back on & returns the bottle to his car.  “Aren’t you having any?” asks the United fan. “No” replied the City fan, “I think I’ll wait til the Police get here.”  

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