Jokes about General Football

The object of the game is:  It was mid-way through the football season and a third division team were doing really badly. The manager decided to get the team together and go back to absolute basics. Picking up a football, he said,  "Right, lads, what I have in my hands is called a football, and the object of the game is..."  "Hang on a minute," came a shout, "you're going too fast."

 I could kick myself:  Striker: "I had an open goal but still I didn't score. I could kick myself."  Manager: "I wouldn't bother.  You'd probably miss."

I can't play football:  After a visit to the doctor, Joe Bloggs, the city team's centre forward dropped in to his local pub for a quick one. "What's up mate?" asked his friend Brian, "you look worried."  "Yes, I am," Joe replied. "I've just been to the doctor's and he told me I can't play football".  "Oh, really?" said Brian. "He's seen you play too then, has he?"

Can I take his place:  The top scorer of a Premier League team was tragically killed in a car accident. Seeing an opportunity for glory, the reserve striker went to see the manager.  "How about me taking his place?" he asked.  "Well, I'm not sure about that," said the manager, "we'll have to speak to the undertaker first."

Funeral procession:  It was Cup Final day and a huge crowd was approaching Wembley Stadium. A funeral procession slowly passed through the crowd. On seeing this; a man took his hat off and stood motionless for a few moments before walking on.  "That was a nice thing to do," said his friend.  "Well," said the man, "she was a good wife to me for over 20 years."

Where's my grandson:  A man walked into the office of a large London firm and said to the manager, "I'm young Cartwright's grandfather - he works in your mail room here.  I just popped in to ask if you could give him the afternoon off so I could take him to the League Final at Wembley".   "I'm afraid he's not here," said the manager.  "We already gave him the afternoon off to go to your funeral".

New Teacher:  A primary teacher starts a new job at a school on Merseyside and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.  She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Liverpool fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.  The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?".  "Because I'm not a Liverpool fan," she replied.  The teacher, still shocked, asks: "Well, if you're not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?".  "I'm a Manchester United fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.  The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a United fan?"  "Because my mum and dad are from Manchester, and my mum is a United fan and my dad is a United fan, so I'm a United fan too!"  "Well," said the teacher, in an annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a United fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time.   What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief, what would you be then?"  "Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a Liverpool fan."

School Team:  "I understand you're a member of the school football team," said a visiting uncle to seven-year-old Johnny. "What position do you play?" "I'm not sure," answered the boy, "but I think I heard teacher say that I was the team's main drawback."

Chief worrier:  A man applied to Sheffield Wednesday FC for a job on the administrative staff. "What we're really looking for here," said the chairman, "is what you might call a "chief worrier"!  “Someone to worry about things like falling attendances, finances, league promotion, violence on the terraces, and so on. For a chap like that we'd be prepared to pay £75,000 a year. Interested?”  "Certainly," said the applicant.  "But - you'll pardon me for saying this, I hope - where on earth is Sheffield Wednesday going to find that sort of money for a job like this?"  "Ah!' said the chairman.  "That would be your first worry."

Retiring from the game:  A goalkeeper had a particularly bad season and announced that he was retiring from professional football. In a television interview he was asked his reasons for quitting the game.  "Well, basically,' he said, 'it's a question of illness and fatigue."  "Can you be more specific?" asked the interviewer.  "Well,' said the player, 'specifically the fans are sick and tired of me."

Last game of the season:  It was the last game of the season.  Peter Crouch had been with the team from the start but he was such a clumsy player that he’d was dropped and never been allowed to play, but had spent all his time on the substitute bench.  At this last match, however, there were so many fouls and injuries that every substitute but him had been sent on.  With ten minutes to go, Robbie Fowler was carried off the field and the coach looked at the substitute bench, his eye finally alighting on Peter Crouch.  Crouch’s face lit up.  "Are you going to send me on, coach?" he asked eagerly.  "No!' snapped the coach. 'Just get out of the way. I'm going to send in the bench!"

Missed a goal kick:  A player was being ticked off by the coach for missing a very easy goal kick.  "All right," said the player, "how should I have played the shot?"  "Under an assumed name," snapped a defender.

Character witness:  One of the top players in the Premiership was called as a character witness in a matrimonial case and, on being asked his profession, replied, "I am the greatest footballer in the world!"  After the case was over he came in for a good deal of teasing from his team-mates. "How could you stand up in court and say a thing like that?" they asked.  "Well," he replied; "you must remember I was under oath!"

Best or better:  A match took place recently in Oxford between a local amateur team and a side made up of university tutors and professors. Before the match the two captains faced each other while the referee flipped the coin to decide who would have choice of ends.  The local team won the toss and, as the captain shook hands with his opposite number, he said sportingly,  'May the best team win!'  The university captain, a professor of English, replied, `You mean, may the better team win!'

My autobiography:  A famous soccer international was talking to another guest at a party.  'I've been persuaded to write my autobiography,' he said, 'but I don't want it published until after I'm dead.'  'Really?' said the guest. 'I shall look forward to reading it.'

£5000 a week:  'So you want to join us here at Leyton Orient as a goalkeeper, do you? What sort of salary were you expecting?'  '£5000 a week.'  'And what experience have you-had?'  'I've never played in goal before.'  'You've no goalkeeping experience and you want £5000 a week!'  'Well, it's much harder when you don't know anything about it.'

More than the Queen:  A famous English footballer had just been transferred for a record sum of money and was being interviewed on television.  'Do you realise,' said the interviewer, 'that the money you will receive as a result of this transfer, together with your income from endorsements, personal appearances, lecturing and so on will mean that you'll have earned more in one year than the Queen gets from the Civil List?'.  'Well, I should hope so!' said the footballer. 'I play a damn sight better than she does.'

Help for the goalie:  It was only the fourth week of the season and Bolton’s goalkeeper had already let in twenty-seven goals. He was having a drink in a pub one night when a man approached him and said, 'I've been watching you play, son, and I think I might be able to help you.'  'Are you a trainer?' said the young goalkeeper hopefully.  'No,' said the stranger, 'I'm an optician.'

Paid not to train:  'I've been playing football professionally for ten years now.  Of course, my father was dead set against my taking up the game at all. In fact he offered me £5,000 not to train.'  'Really? What did you do with the money?'

Who to blame:  Ball - Strikers scapegoat,  Defender - Goalkeepers scapegoat,  Goalkeeper - Defenders scapegoat,  Midfielder - Everybody's scapegoat

Negative tactics:  I'm not saying our tactics are becoming negative but..  1) The striker is beginning to suffer anxiety attacks if he accidentally strays into the other half of the pitch.  2) The only set piece we practice is the pass back to the goalkeeper.  3) Cobwebs cover the goalmouths.

She'll let you do anything:  Ron and Terry were chatting about football in the pub after work.  "Are you going to the Arsenal v Spurs match on Saturday?" asked Ron.  "No," replied Terry. "My wife won't let me."  "It's easy to get out of that," said Ron. "About an hour before the game, what you do is pick her up, take her to the bedroom, rip off her clothes and make mad, passionate love to her. Then she'll let you do anything you want."  "OK, I'll try that," said Terry.  The following Monday, the two men meet up again in the pub.  "How come you didn't make it to the game," asked Ron.  "Well," said Terry, "I'll tell you what happened. About an hour before kick-off, I did as you said. I picked her up, took her to the bedroom and ripped off her clothes. And then I thought, Spurs haven't been playing that well recently."

When is our anniversary:  Maureen had enough of Tim's obsession. "Football, football, football!" she moaned, "that's all you ever talk about. It's your whole life. You never take me out. You never buy me presents. You're either at a match or watching one on the box. I bet you can't even remember when our wedding anniversary is."  "Yes, I can," her husband retorted, "it's the same date that Real Madrid beat Manchester United in the Cup-Winners' Cup."

He's getting married:  A Sunday league team were in the dressing room, one player short.  "Where's Bill?" asked the full back to the captain.  "Oh, I hear he was getting married at 2.30," said the captain.  "Hell!" said the full back, "that means he won't get here till the second half."

My wife should be a goalie:  "My wife would make a great goalie," one man said to his friend.  "I haven't scored for months."

Worried about my son:  A woman goes to see the doctor. "Doctor, doctor, I'm very worried about my son," she said. "All he does is play football all day; then he comes in covered in mud and walks all over my clean carpet."  "I rather think you may be over-reacting," said the doctor reassuringly. "Sons often behave like that."  "I know, doctor," said the woman, "but it's not just me that's worried about him. His wife is too."

How to annoy during TV football:  1) Take the batteries out of all of the remote controls,  2) Show a sudden interest in every aspect of the game, especially have him define the offside law for you, many times,  3) Tell him that there is no popcorn in the house.

Taking the daughter to a match:  A father took his daughter to watch her first football match, it was rather dull, and the little girl spoke up, "Do United ever score Dad?"  "How should I know", he replied, "I've only been coming here for five years"

Late arrival:  A fellow had arranged to take his girlfriend to a local match but unfortunately they were delayed and didn't arrive until nearly half-time.  'What's the score?' the lad asked a bystander.  'Nil-nil,' was the reply.  'Oh, good!' his girlfriend - gushed.  'We haven't missed anything!'

Value of a season ticket:  A woman was reading a newspaper one morning and said A her husband,  'Look at this, dear. There's an article here about a man who traded his wife for a season ticket to Arsenal. You wouldn't do a thing like that,-would you?'  'Of course I wouldn't!' replied her husband. 'The season's almost over!'

She'll leave me:  'My wife told me last week that she'd leave me if I didn't stop spending so much time at football matches.'  'What a shame!'  'Yes. I shall miss her.'

All you think about is football:  Wife: 'Football, football, football! That's all you ever think about! If you said you were going to stay at home one Saturday afternoon to help with the house' work, I think I'd drop dead from the shock!'  Husband: 'it's no good trying to bribe me, dear.'

Miss World kicks off:  The reigning Miss World - from Brazil - was invited to start the charity football match by performing the ceremonial kick-off. After an excellent game, which raised a great deal of money, a dinner was held.  During the speeches which followed, Miss World made the evening for all present when, in broken English and with great charm, she said,  'It eez great honour for me to kick off your ball; I will be pleased to come back any time to English football clubs and kick all your balls off.'

Please note that content found under the humour section of the Football Bazaar site is fictional and its only purpose is to make your visit to our site enjoyable.   If you feel that any part of our site is offensive to yourself or any person or group that you represent, please let us know.  We will take appropriate action with the content/material in question and work towards solving the matter as quickly and as smoothly as possible.