Sir Alex Ferguson:  Sir Alex is queuing in his local building society, when a gunman bursts in through the door demanding money.  Ferguson attempts to tackle the raider, but gets knocked over...as he falls, his head smashes the counter and Sir Alex is out cold.  The robber escapes and the cashier tries to revive Ferguson. After a few minutes he comes round and looks bewildered. His first words are "Where the hell am I?". The Cashier replies: "don't worry, its ok, you're in the Nationwide." Ferguson replies, "F**k me, is it May already?"

Sir Alex Ferguson and Darren Fletcher:  One day at the Man United training ground, and an hour before they are due to finish, Sir Angry Ferguson says “Lads, I’m gonna have to leave an hour early. Just carry on training and I’ll see you tomorrow.” So they carry on and leave at the normal time.  The next day, Sir Alex says, “sorry again lads, but I’m gonna have to leave an hour early again. A spot of private business to attend to.” When he’s gone, Wayne Rooney says, “forget this, if he’s going then I am too,” and he takes off.  The next day, the same happens. “Sorry lads, gonna have to leave early again.” So Rooney says, “Come on lads, lets all go home, he’ll not know”. So they all went home.  When Darren Fletcher got back to his house, he saw the gaffer’s car on the drive. So he quietly opened the door, sneaked upstairs and peeped through the bedroom door, only to be shocked by the sight of Ferguson making love to his mum.  Rather stunned, Fletcher left the house and goes for a walk. When he noticed the car had gone, he went back into the house.  The following day at training, Sir Alex says, “Gotta go again lads, sorry. Some private stuff to attend to.” Once again, Rooney says, “Come on lads, lets all go home again.”  To which Fletcher replies, “forget that, I almost got caught yesterday!”

I'm not saying the manager is naive but...  Blindfolding the goalkeeper to calm his nerves during penalty shoot outs just isn't working.  The 6-5-1 formation he put out last Saturday was spotted by the referee straight away.  Putting the ball boy on as a substitute is just asking for trouble

Dustbins:  The manager of a club way down at the bottom of the Third Division placed eleven dustbins in formation on the pitch and had his team practice dribbling around. them and passing between them before shooting for goal.  After just one session he had to abandon this method of training for reasons of team morale: the dustbins won 6-0.

I could kick myself:  Striker: "I had an open goal but still I didn't score. I could kick myself."  Manager: "I wouldn't bother. You'd probably miss."

It's a funny old game:  It's a funny old game, football,' as the captain said to the manager after his team had been trounced 6-0 in an important relegation match.  To which the manager replied grimly, 'Yes - but it isn't meant to be!

Forget all the coaching:  A Third Division manager was addressing his team during a training session.  'Now, lads,' he said, 'over the last few months, I've given you a lot of tips and advice on passing, dribbling, kicking and defensive play.'  The team nodded appreciately. 'Well, you can forget it all,' said the coach, 'because we've just sold the bloody lot of you!'

Muffed three easy goals:  The match was over and the team captain, who had muffed three easy goal shots, came over to the manager and said,  'You'll have to excuse me if I dash off, chief. I've got a plane to catch and I don't want to miss it.'  'Off you go, then,' said the manager. 'And better luck with the plane.'  Let the ball do the work.  'You're all feet!' yelled the coach at the practice session.  'All bloody feet! How many times have I told you - use your brains, use your feet, but let the ball do the work!' ,  'Well, don't tell me,' shouted the unfortunate player. 'Tell the bloody ball!'

The object of the game is:  It was mid-way through the football season and a third division team were doing really badly. The manager decided to get the team together and go back to absolute basics. Picking up a football, he said,  "Right, lads, what I have in my hands is called a football, and the object of the game is..."  "Hang on a minute," came a shout, "you're going too fast."

Revenge is sweet:  After considerable effort and expense a First Division manager succeeded in obtaining' the services of Miodrag Krivokapic and Mixu Paatelainen of Dundee, Dariusz Wdowczwk of Celtic, Detzi Kruszynski of Wimbledon, and Steve Ogrizovic of Coventry.  'Are these boys any good?' asked a colleague.  'I couldn't care less,' said the manager. 'I just want to get my own back on some of these smart-alec TV sports commentators!'

Player bonus:  The manager of a Third Division club called his leading goal-scorer into his office.  'You've played so well this season,' he said, 'that the committee has decided to give you a special bonus.  We would like you to accept this cheque for £500.'  'Thank you very much,' said the player. 'That's very kind of you.'  'And,' continued the manager, 'if you play as well for the rest of the season, the chairman will sign it for you.'

Ten mile run:  The local football team were having a dreadful season. They hadn't won a game for 12 weeks and the manager was at the end of his tether. "Look," suggested a friend one evening, "why don't you take the whole squad out for a ten mile run every day?"  "What good will that do?" moaned the manager. "Well," replied his friend, "today's Sunday. By next Saturday they'll be 60 miles away and you won't have to worry about them."

Rafael Benitez  Finds Genie:  On a rare day off, Rafael Benitez was cleaning out his cellar when he came across an old vase. Thinking it was valuable he rubbed it to clean off the dust. To his surprise out popped a Genie who said, "Oh master, I grant you one wish."  Rather surprised, Benitez thought for a while before replying, "Hhmmm… I know! Since I like going to Spain to find young players I would like you to build a bridge from Liverpool to Spain since I don’t like flying and the trains are unreliable - this way I could drive."  "Oh no master," responded the Genie, "that is an impossible request, it would take the will of a thousand genies to grant you that wish - you must choose a task I can grant you."  Benitez mumbled under his breath for a bit before saying, "I have a player in my team who should score more goals, can you make Craig Bellamy into a 20 goals a season player?"  To which the Genie replied, "OK, what colour lights do you want on your bridge."

Rafael Benitez & Sam Allardyce:  A TV reporter goes up North and interviews Rafael Benitez and Sam Allardyce. First of all he speaks to Rafael Benitez, "So Benitez, what are your hopes for Liverpool this season?"  Rafael Benitez replies, "Well, if we can pick up a few points here and there, hopefully we can win the Premiership."  Then the reporter turns to Sam, "So Sam what are your hopes for Newcastle Utd this season and in the future?"  Sam replies, "Well, we'll walk the Premiership, win the championship and FA Cup along the way, then we'll win the Champions League..."  At this point the TV reporter interrupts, "Err… Sam, don't you think you're being a bit over ambitious there?"  "Well, Rafael Benitez started it!" replied Sam.

Wenger Tries To Prove Players Aren’t Stupid:  Arsene Wenger walks into the Arsenal changing room for their next game, looks at his players and says, "I'm not supposed to play some of you since our chairman said you were stupid against Man U.  "So what I have to do is ask you a question, and if you get it right, you can play."   They all agree and ask Wenger to start with their star players first. First up: Henry. Wenger looks into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate... what is two plus two?" Henry thinks for a moment and then he answers, "Four?"  "Four!" Wenger shouts loudly, excited that his top player got it right.  In response the other Arsenal players plead, "Come on boss, give him another chance!"  

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