Kaka, Ronaldo and Beckham:  Kaka, Ronaldo and David Beckham are standing in Heaven before the throne of God.  God looks at them and says; “And so here you are to face your Lord and maker. I shall ask each of you a question.”  Addressing Kaka first he asks, “Kaka, one of the world’s greatest football players, what is it that you believe brought you here before me?”  Kaka looks God in the eye and says passionately, “I believe football to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people, from the slums of Rio to the bright lights of Milan. I have devoted my life to bring such joy to people, with little else, who stood on the terraces supporting their team.”  God smiles and offers Kaka a seat to his left.  He then turns to Christiano Ronaldo, “And similarly you, Ronaldo, a hero to so many, what do you think it was brought you to my throne?”  Ronaldo stands tall and proud, “I believe courage, honour and passion are the fundamentals to life and I’ve spent my whole playing career providing a living embodiment of these commitments.”  God, moved by the passion of his speech offers Henry a seat to his right.  He then turns to Beckham, “And you, David. Presumably you just want your ball back?”

Neville brothers, innocent but guilty:  Two young little brothers (Gary and Phil Neville) were playing with a new football on the road outside their house.  "Hey," shouted Mrs Neville, their mother, "where did you get that football?"  "We found it," replied Phil.  "Are you sure it was lost?" asked Mrs Neville.  "Yes," replied Gary, "we saw some people looking for it."'

David Beckham:  David Beckham has gone crazy believing Posh has been having an affair on him. In manic rage, he goes out and buys a gun. He rushes home to confront his wife, and finds her in bed with none other than Ruud Van Nistelroy.  Devastated, Beckham takes out the gun and points it at his own head.  "No, David don't do it." Posh cries jumping up from her spot underneath the covers...."I'm sorry and I know we can work this out."  "Shut up and sit back Victoria." Beckham replies. "You're next."

David Beckham is celebrating; "43 days, 43 days!" he shouts happily. Posh asks him why he's celebrating.  He answers "Well Honey, I've done this jigsaw in only 43 days."  "And that's good?" asks Posh.  "You bet Hon" says David.  "It says 3 to 6 years on the box."

David Beckham walks into a sperm donor bank.  "I'd like to donate some sperm," he says to the receptionist.  "Certainly, Sir," she replies. "Have you donated before?"  "Yes," replies Beckham, "you should have my details on your computer."  "Oh, Yes, I've found your details," says the receptionist, "but I see you're going to need help. Shall I call Posh Spice for you?"  "Why do I need help to donate sperm?" asks Beckham.  "Well," the receptionist replies, "it says on your record that you're a useless wan*er."

David Beckham wakes up one morning, showers and puts on his best tracksuit, ready for another hard day's work at being an over privileged little creep.  Catching sight of himself in the mirror, he thinks, "By God, Dave, you're looking good this morning."  He admires the fine cut of his outfit and flexes his biceps. "Feeling good, too," he notes proudly at the firm swell of muscle underneath the kit he's wearing. He enters the kitchen and Posh, his bird, hands him a bowl of corn flakes.  "You're looking fit this morning, Dave," she says.  "To be sure," he replied appreciatively. "I feel good as well."  "But, Dave, you're not smelling so good, mind," comments his beloved.  Dave takes a sniff. "You're right there," he says worriedly, "I am smelling a bit rough."  He eats his cereal, downs his cup of coffee and sets off for Old Trafford.  "Good morning to you, sweetie," he grins at Alex Ferguson.  "It's a fine morning, Dave," says Alex, "and you're looking really good."  "Why, thank you. I look good and I feel pretty good as well," says Dave, flexing both arms for his benefit.  "But, Dave," winces Alex in disgust, "you smell awful."  More than a bit worried now, Dave visits his doctor.  "Doc, I've got a problem. I look good, I feel great, but I smell awful," says Dave.  The doctor reaches for his medical dictionary. "You look good ," he scans down the page, "you feel great ...but smell awful. Hmmm yes!  Well, it's all quite simple, Dave, all that's wrong with you is that you're a terminal Sh*t!

Posh and Becks were watching a football match on TV.  Becks got very excited and shouted, "Pass the ball. Pass the ball. Why won't the idiot pass the ball?"  "Well," said Posh, "you can't really expect a footballer who cost millions of pounds to pass the ball to a player who cost a lot less."

David Beckham goes shopping and spots a Thermos flask. 'What's that for ?' he says. 'It's to keep hot things hot and cold things cold,' says the salesman. Beckham buys one and takes it home to show Posh. 'It's to keep hot things hot and cold things cold,' he says. 'You ought to take it to work,' she tells him. So he takes it in to training the following day. 'What've you got there, son?' asks Sir Alex. 'It's to keep hot things hot and cold things cold,' says David. 'That's a good idea,' says the manager. 'What have you got in it?' 'Coffee,' says David. 'And some ice cream.'

Q.  If David Beckham were to become one of the Spice Girls which one would he turnout to be?
A.  Waste of Spice!

Q.  What is the difference between an aeroplane kit and David Beckham?
A.  One is a glueless kit, the other is a clueless git.

Q.  What did David Beckham have for breakfast this morning?
A.  Who cares.

Q.  What have a Cartier watch and David Beckham got in common?
A.  Both come in a Posh Box.

Stan Collymore:  A father and son were eating breakfast. The father's newspaper had the headline "Van Gogh sold for £8 million." The son asked, "Is he worth it dad?"  To which the father, surprised at his son's interest in fine art, replied "I suppose so, son. Why do you ask?"  The son said "Well, Liverpool paid more than that for Stan Collymore, and he was useless!"

Q.  How does Stan Collymore change a light bulb?
A.  He holds it in the air and the world revolves around him.

Q.  What's the difference between Stan Collymore and God?
A.  God doesn't think he's Stan Collymore.

Michael Owen:  A young autograph hunter was really chuffed when he got Emil Hesky's autograph after a match. The following week he accosted Hesky once more and got his autograph, and after the next game he tried to get it yet again.  "Look here," said Hesky, "this is the third time you've asked for my autograph. What's going on?"  "Well," said the young man, "if I can get eight more of yours, I can swap them for one of Michael Owen's."

Ryan Giggs:  A First Division player not noted for his modesty was regaling his friends' in the local pub.  'I came out of the ground after the match last Saturday and there were literally hundreds of fans outside waving autograph books at me!'  Noticing the sceptical looks on the faces of his listeners, he added,  'It's quite true! If you don't believe me, ask Ryan Giggs - he was standing right next to me!'

Frank Lampard:  One of the highest paid players in the Premiership, Frank Lampard had everything going for him.  He had a fancy new house in London, a flash new sports car, masses of designer clothes, the lot. His only problem was that he had three girlfriends and he couldn't decide which one to marry.  So he decided to give £5,000 to each woman to see what she would do with it.  The first woman bought new clothes for herself and had an expensive new hairdo, a massage, facial, manicure and pedicure.  The second woman bought a top-of-the range VCR and CD player, as well as an expensive set of golf clubs and tennis racquet and gave them all to Frank. "I used the money to buy you these gifts because I love you," she told him.  The third woman invested the money in the stock market, and within a short time had doubled her investment. She gave Lampard back the initial £5,000 and reinvested the profit. "I'm investing in our future because I love you so much," she said.  Lampard considered carefully how each woman had spent the money, and then married the woman with the biggest breasts.

Wayne Rooney:  Man UTD manager Alex Ferguson told Rooney that he was picked to play in the next match but he said I might pull you off at half time, Rooney said great I usually only get an orange.

Rooney and his mum were sat in front of the Television (both in her underwear) watching the Six o'clock news. The headline feature was a man who was threatening to jump off the Clifton Suspension Bridge onto the busy road below. Mrs Rooney turns to Wayne and says "Wayne, I bet you £5000 that he jumps!" to which Rooney replies "5000! Done" The pair shake on it and continue watching the commotion on the TV. Sure enough, the man jumps and hits the road below with a loud thud. Wayne takes 5000 out of his pocket and gives it to his Mum. "I can't take that from you, Wayne" she says. "I was cheating. I saw the five o'clock news so I knew what was going to happen. I can't accept that money". Wayne replies "No Mummy. The money is yours fair and square. I was cheating too, I saw the news at five. I just didn't think he would do it again!!!"

Q. Rooney and Michael Owen jump out of an Aeroplane, who hits the ground first?
A. Michael Owen, Rooney has to stop and ask for directions

Q. Why does Rooney wash his hair in the sink...?
A. Cos that's where your supposed to wash vegetables.

Q. How do you make Rooney laugh on Friday?
A. Tell him a joke on Tuesday. 

Q. What's the difference between Rooney and a supermarket trolley?
A. The trolley has a mind of it's own.

Q. Why does Rooney have T.G.I.F printed on the front of his boots?
A. Toes Go In First!  

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