Heavy rain:  A match between two non-League teams took place last winter in the North of England. It had been raining heavily all week and the ground resembled a swamp.  However, the referee ruled that play was possible and tossed the coin to determine ends.  The visiting captain won the toss and, after a moment's thought, said, 'OK - we'll take the shallow end!'

Spare whistle:  A well-known footballer and his wife recently decided to take a holiday at a nudist camp. He was asked to referee the camp football match but, surprisingly, he declined the offer.  'Why did you refuse to referee that match?' asked his wife.  'I wasn't too happy about where I had to carry the spare whistle,' replied the husband.

Referee's daughter:  Did you hear about the England international player who had a date with a referee's daughter?  She penalised him three limes - for handling, interference and trying to pull off a jersey.

Refereeing the old firm game:  Referees at Celtic Rangers matches always have a particularly hard time. One poor unfortunate, officiating at his first fixture, was checking in with the team managers before the kick-off.  'Well, that seems to be about everything,' said the Rangers boss.  'Now, if you'd just like to give us the name and address of your next-of-kin, we can start the match.'

Three friends:  The football club dance was in full swing when three strangers arrived and demanded admission. 'May I see your tickets, please?' said the club secretary at the door.  'We haven't got any tickets,' said one of the men. 'We're friends of the referee.'  'Get out of here!' said the club secretary. 'Whoever heard of a referee with three friends!'

Saying or thinking:  The angry captain snarled at the referee. 'What would l happen if I called you a blind bastard who couldn't make a correct decision to save his life?'  'It would be a red card for you.'  'And if I didn't say it but only thought it?'  That's different. If you only thought it but didn't say it, I couldn't do a thing.'  'Well, we'll leave it like that, then, shall we?' smiled the captain.

Care to join us?  We're starting up an amateur football team. Would you care to join?'   'I would, yes, but I'm afraid I don't know, the first thing about football.'  'That's all right. We need a referee as well.'

That wasn't a goal:  Just a minute, ref!' yelled the goalkeeper.  'That wasn't a goal.'   'Oh, wasn't it?' shouted the referee. 'You just watch the Sports Report" on television tonight!'

Uncle's funeral:  The office-boy had taken the afternoon off to attend his uncle's funeral. His boss, a keen football fan, went the same afternoon to watch a match between Aberdeen and Celtic, and he saw the office-boy among the crowd.  'So this is your uncle's funeral, is it' he said sarcastically.  'I shouldn't be at all surprised,' said the office boy. 'He's the referee.'

Your team is rubbish:  Your team's rubbish! We beat you 9-2 last Saturday, even though we had a man short!'  'What do you mean "a man short"?  You had ten players and the referee, didn't you?'

Definition of a good referee:  1) Must be fair,  2) Must be consistent,  3) Must make correct judgements,  4) Must be able to stay in control,  5) Must award your team at least two penalties and give out two red cards to opposition players

Reasons to become a referee:  You love football, but can't quite understand the rules.  You have the strange desire to run aimlessly around in the wind, rain and snow.  You love the sound of verbal abuse.  You find it hard to make decisions and whenever you do your always wrong

Offside definition:  Definition 1: The Bermuda Triangle area of the pitch where "innocent" players are drawn towards.  Definition 2: The offside rule is there to attract to football those people who can already explain how to play cricket.  Definition 3 : A player is offside if they are nearer to the opponent's goal line than both the ball and the second last player - except on alternate Saturdays when in addition the second last player must be facing in the opposite goals direction in which the ball is directed.

A player is not offside if they are in their own half of the field, or they are level with the second last opponent, or the player, opponent and referee form a triangle as perceived by an imaginary linesmen positioned on the Celestial Meridian.

All offside regulations are immediately found to be in favour of the defending team if shortly after the ball is played they all stop, in unison, and raise their right arm to the linesman and appeal for an offside decision.

Penalty:  Referee: 'Penalty!',  Home captain: 'Who for?',  Referee: 'Us!'

I've been watching you:  A spectator at a match in the North of England kept up a constant barrage of insults and derogatory remarks directed against the referee.  Finally the ref could stand it no longer. He marched over to the stand and, looking the noisy spectator squarely in the eye, shouted,  'Look here - I've been watching you for the last twenty minutes . . .'  'I thought so,' the spectator shouted back. 'I knew you couldn't have been watching the game!'

Hungarian referee:  Some years ago an important European match between England and Scotland was taking place in Milan. The referee was Hungarian. His command of English left a good deal to be desired and the players of both teams were taking the mickey out of him at every opportunity.  Finally the Hungarian's patience ran out. 'You British!' he shouted. 'You think I know damn nothing about the games, let me tell you I know damn all!'  

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