Arsenal:  Two Gunners fans are on the plane on the way to Holland.
One turns to the other and says "Hey Arthur! See if this plane turns upside-doon will we fall out?"  "No way Richard," says his mate "of course we'll still be pals!!"

Two men are fishing on a river bank in a remote area of the River Thames on a Saturday afternoon miles away from any radio or TV.
Suddenly one man turns to the other and says "The Gunners have lost again."
The other man was flabbergasted and said "how in the name of god do you know that?"  The other man replied "It's quarter to five."

Q: You're trapped in a room with a Lion, Cobra snake and an Arsenal Fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
A: Shoot the Arsenal Fan. Twice.

Q: What do you call a dead Gunner Fan in a closet?
A: Last years winner of the hide and seek contest.

Q: What do you call an Arsenal fan that does well on an IQ test?
A: A cheat.

Q: Why do housewives love Arsenal?
A: Because they stay on top for ages and come second!

Q: How do you make a Gunners fan run?
A: Build a job centre.

Q: What's the similarity between Arsenal and a 3-pin plug?
A: They're both useless in Europe.

Aston Villa:  A little boy took his parents to court because he did not want to live with them anymore. The honoured judge said to him "So why don't you want to live with your dad?"  "Because he beats me" said the little boy.  "Why don't you want to live with your mum then?" asked the judge.  Because she beats me as well.  "Oh" said the judge "Well who would you like to live with then?"  The little boy replied" I would like to live with Aston Villa, because they don't beat anyone!!"

Officials of Iraq have claimed that Saddam Hussein hasn't been killed and is still alive by showing the leader giving an interview which was said to be live...
He said "To prove I am still alive, Aston Villa were totally sh** on Saturday."
The Mi5, after full investigation said, "That could have been recorded months ago."

Q: Why do Aston Villa fans carry lighters round with them?
A: Because they lose all their matches!

Blackburn
Q. What's the difference between a Blackburn goalkeeper and a taxi driver?
A. A taxi driver will only let in four at a time.

Q. What happens when the opposition cross the halfway line at Ewood Park?
A. They score.

Bolton
Q: How can you tell ET is a Bolton fan?
A: Because he looks like one.

Q: How can you tell Predator is a Bolton fan?
A: Because he looks like one

Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an intelligent Bolton supporter and an old drunk are walking down the street together when simultaneously they each spot a fifty quid note. Who gets it?
A: The old drunk, of course - the other 3 are mythical creatures.

Birmingham:  My grandad: a lifelong Birmingham supporter, was on his deathbed and announced he had become an Aston Villa fan. Astonished I asked why and the swift reply came back that it’ better one of them dead than one of us!!

Chelsea:  A bloke goes into Heathrow Airport and manages to eventually get into the departure lounge where his flight home is being called. All around him there are overturned tables, smashed windows, computer terminals broken, upturned chairs and crowd control barriers lying on the floor.  "Christ, what's happened here?" he asks one of the ground crew.  "Oh yeah..." he replies "Absolutely hopeless .... we had the Chelsea players in here this morning filming the new Nike ad".

Newsflash:  Jose Mourinho doesn't stand for nonsense.  Last Saturday he caught a couple of fans climbing over the stadium wall.  Absolutely filled with rage he grabbed them by the collars and said, "Get back in there and watch the game till it finishes!"

Q: What's the difference between Shevchenko and Argos?
A: With Argos you get a 16 day money back guarantee.

Q: What’s the worst thing about Stamford Bridge?
A. The seat's face the pitch.

Q: Why can't you get a cup of tea at Stamford Bridge?
A: All the mugs are on the field and all the cups are at Old Trafford.

Everton
Q: What's the difference between Everton and a tea bag?
A: A tea bag stays in the cup longer.

Q: What is the difference between a man with no tongue and an Everton fan?
A: The man with no tongue has better taste.

Q: What’s the difference between Everton and a dangerous driver?
Q: A dangerous driver has more points!

Fulham
Q: How many Fulham fans does it take to unscrew a light bulb?
A: Both of them!

Leeds Utd:  The Elland Road Club have sacked their current manager and have employed a new Chinese manager.
His name: Win One Soon

Q: What do you call a Leeds fan in a 2 bedroomed Semi?
A: A burglar

Q: How can you tell when Leeds are losing?
A: It's five past three.

Liverpool:  A Liverpool fan is trapped on a remote desert island with a sheep and a dog. Soon, the sheep starts looking really attractive to the Liverpool fan. However, whenever he approaches a sheep the dog growls in a threatening manner.  The Liverpool fan takes the dog to the opposite side of the island giving it some food as a distraction. He runs back to the sheep only to find the dog growling at him. The Liverpool fan ties the dog to a tree with a large leash. He goes back to the sheep only to find the dog growling with a gnawed off leash around its neck.  By now, the Liverpool fan is getting depressed and frustrated.  As he sits under a palm tree staring out to sea, a beautiful woman in a tight-fitting wet suit emerges from the surf.  She asks him who he is and, taking pity upon his lonely state, asks if there's ANYTHING she could do for him. The Liverpool fan thinks for a moment and then responds, "Could you take the dog for a walk?

 A father and son were eating breakfast. The fathers’ newspaper had the headline "Van Gogh sold for £8 million".  The son asked "is he worth it, Dad?” to which the father, surprised at his son's interest in fine art, replied "I suppose so, son. Why do you ask,"  The son said "Well, Liverpool paid more than that for Stan Collymore, and he was crap"

Steven Gerrard and Peter Crouch are flying with their herd of sheep to a new farm.
Suddenly, the plane engine fails and it rapidly descends towards the ground.
Seven Gerrard: Quick! Grab a parachute and jump!
Peter Crouch 2: What about the sheep ???
Steven Gerrard 1: Fuck the sheep!!!
Peter Crouch: ...(pause)... Do you think we have time?

Rafael Benitez: "Our new winger cost five million.  I call him our wonder player"
Sir Alex Ferguson: "Why's that?"
Rafael Benitez: "Everytime he plays I wonder why I bothered to buy him!"

Newsflash:  Gary Neville has been sentenced to 6 hours community service. That means he has to play four games for Liverpool!

Newsflash: Thieves broke into the home of a Liverpool fan and stole two books. "The thing that upsets me", he said "is that I hadn't finished colouring them in yet!"

Q: What do you get if you cross a Monkey with a Liverpudlian?
A: Nothing. The monkeys are far too clever to screw a Liverpudlian.

Q: What is the difference between a battery and a Scowser fan?
A: A battery has a positive side.

Q: Why do Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
A: So they ain't mistaken for a Liverpudlian women.

Q: How many Liverpool fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As if they have electricity in Liverpool.

Q: What do Liverpool Fans and sperm have in common?
A: One in 2,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Q: How can you tell a level headed Liverpool supporter?
A: He dribbles from both sides of his mouth - at the same time.

Q: What do you call a Liverpool fan with many girlfriends?
A: A Shepherd

Q: What do you call a Liverpool fan with Five sheep?
A: A pimp.

Man Utd
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead Man Utd fan on the road?
A: Skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: How many Man Utd supporters does it take to stop a moving Bus?
A: Never enough.

Q: How do you confuse a Man U fan?
A: Show him a map of Manchester.

Q: What has 100,000 eyes, 100,000 legs, 100,000 arms and an IQ of 170
A: Old Trafford every other Saturday.

Q: Name three football clubs that contain swear words?
A: Arsenal, Scunthorpe and F*****g Man Utd.

Q. What's the difference between a hedgehog and the Man Utd team bus?
A. The Man Utd bus has more pricks!

Manchester City:  A Manchester City fan came down to Wembley for the Cup Final. As he didn't have a ticket he asked a tout outside the gates how much the cheapest one cost. '£75,' said the tout.  '£75!' said the fan. 'Back in Manchester I could get a woman for that!'  'Maybe,' said the tout. 'But you wouldn't get an hour and a half with the Band of the Coldstream Guards in the interval!'

A visiting fan turned up at a Manchester City vs Manchester United match last week and was told that seats were £16, £20 and £35, and programmes £2.  'OK,' he said cheerfully, 'I'll sit on a programme!'

A Man Utd and a Man City fan are strolling along the Street and suddenly the Man Utd supporter says "Woooh! would ya look at that dead bird!". The Man City fan looks skywards and says "huh, Where???"

Q: What does EIDOS, Manchester Cities sponsor stand for?
A: ELEVEN IDIOTS DREAMING OF SUCCESS!

Newcastle Utd
Q: What is black and white, black and white and black and white?
A: A Newcastle fan rolling down a hill

Q: Q: What would you get if Newcastle were relegated?
A: 45,000 more Chelsea fans

Q: How do you kill a Newcastle fan when he's been drinking?
A: Slam the toilet seat on his head.

Q: Why are there more zebra crosses in Newcastle than anywhere else in the UK?
A: Because Newcastle fans keep getting run over!

Middlesborough:  A man is sitting in a pub with his Jack Russell dog one Saturday afternoon. The football results are coming up on the television in the corner, "Liverpool 2, Middlesborough 1," reads the announcer in his normal, rather sedate, voice.  Suddenly the Jack Russell dog jumps up and shouts out, "Oh, no, not again."  The shocked landlord says, "That's amazing. Why did he say that when the result was announced that Middlesborough lost?"  "Because he's a Spurs supporter," the dog's owner replies.  The landlord then asked what the dog says when Middlesborough win a match, to which the man replied, "I don't know. I've only had him three years."

Millwall
Q: Why did the Millwall fan break through a glass window?
A. To see what was on the other side.

Q: What would you do if you saw a Millwall fan walking towards you with a wound?
A: Stop laughing, reload and shoot again!

Tottenham Hotspur:  A tourist is in North London one Saturday and he decides he would very much like to go to a football match, so he asks a man in the street if there are any local matches being played that afternoon.  "Well," replies the man, "the Arsenal ground is very close but they're playing away today. If you feel you really must see a match, the Tottenham ground is not that far away. You go straight down this road and you'll see two queues, a big queue and a small queue.  You should go to the small queue because the big one is for the fish and chip shop.

There was once a fanatical Spurs supporter who thought of nothing but football all day long. He talked about football, read about football, watched nothing but football on television and attended matches as often as he possibly could. At last his poor wife could not stand it any longer. One night she said, 'I honestly believe you love Spurs more than you love me!'  'Blimey,' said the fan, 'I love Hartlepool United more than I love you!'

Martin Jol the manager of a Tottenham Hotspur called Jermain Defoe, his leading goal-scorer into his office.  'You've played so well this season,' he said, 'that the board has decided to give you a special bonus.  We would like you to accept this cheque for £500.'  'Thank you very much,' said the Defoe. 'That's very kind of you.'  'And,' continued Martin Jol, 'if you play as well for the rest of the season, the chairman will sign it for you.'  

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